Recap: 'What is Your Emotional Style' Discussion at A Grape in the Fog

Are we stuck with our personal emotional style?

Last Tuesday evening, March 20, a group of people got together to talk about their emotional style at s monthly series. 

We agreed that the first step in any interpersonal situation is to become aware of our reactions.  If we can control of our responses, we have a better chance at solving our conflicts.  That said, no matter how we react at any given time is ingrained in us and we much learn to forgive ourselves when our response to a situation seems counterproductive. 

Our personal emotional style developed in an attempt to forestall perceived rejection.  The key is to get to the root of our fear of what the other person will think or say.  What is making us suppress our disapproval until it suddenly erupts in inappropriate ways?  For example, if your room mate does not clean up after himself, what is the best response to elicit positive change?  If you stew inside every time you walk into the kitchen and see his plate filled with drying leftovers and dirty utensils but say nothing, your anger will only fester and affect your opinion of him.  Instead, you need to find the courage to confront him and discuss the division of labor in the house.  Instead of thinking, “he’s so lazy” or “he is a total slob”, think “I wonder if we both understand what our responsibilities to each other are when we are sharing the same space?”

Perhaps the solution lies in a different division of labor.  Maybe he loves cooking and hates cleaning while you love cleaning up (and eating) but hate the cooking part of a meal.  Then you can divide the tasks so that you both are doing the things you love best to do. 

What about road rage?  Everyone has felt that uncontrollable fury when a driver cuts you off or flashes his Brights in your rear view mirror.  It is even harder to control when we are late for an appointment. The truth, infuriating as it is, is that your frustration is only momentary. Nothing you do to offend the other driver is going to change his behavior or take away your sense of insult.  The solution is to keep your perspective.  When your reaction will not effect change, you need force yourself to ignore the insult and get on with your driving.    

Your emotional style in the workplace is a tricky challenge.  You must evaluate how much you love (or need) your job against the personal insult you think you have suffered.  How much of it was your fault?  It is important for your own self respect to stand up for yourself, but you must also take responsibility for your actions. After all, you spend a great deal of your day in your workplace and if you feel intimidated you will not be doing a service to either yourself or your employer. 

Your dating emotional style has developed over the years and is very hard to modify.   If you have allowed your various partners to control you, it will be very difficult to change your pattern of response.  The secret here is learning to accurately evaluate your reactions.  Know your own emotional patterns and how well they have served you. Perhaps your quick temper has kept you from forming a lasting relationship even though you have believed you were perfectly justified in everything you did and said.  Always ask yourself, “If I tell her what is making me angry, what is the worst thing that can happen?” 

When we have one of “those” days where everything explodes, goes wrong and backfires, it is very hard to control your hysteria.  The group decided that the first thing we all must do is pause and assess the situation.  We need to learn how to prepare the groundwork for success instead of failure.  That first impulse is a knee jerk reaction that reflects past injuries.  Take time to think before you respond so that you have a better chance of solving the present conflict in a reasonable manner. 

The conclusion we reached was that we each react to every situation in our unique way because of our past challenges and conflicts.  We need to be aware of why we deal with situations the way we do and be open to a realistic evaluation of how effective we are.  In reality, there are very few situations where we are deliberately and intentionally victimized.  More often, it is the way we allow ourselves to react to a situation that makes us the victim instead of an equal participant. 

The only thing you can control is yourself.   It is our anticipation of the problem that colors our reactions.  If we can look clearly at each situation and analyze why it is making us sad, angry, withdrawn or depressed, we have a better chance of taking the road that will serve us best; one that will not compromise our integrity and will not attack or threaten the other people involved.

Our next meeting will be April 17, when Susan bishop will guide our discussion on the mind body connection.  Don’t miss this opportunity to analyze how much we can actually control our physical reaction to the world we live in.   

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